I haven't written a post in a very long time, but I thought it would be nice to announce (to those who care) that depression has not overtaken my life and I am still alive. As Charles Bukoswki said "“You have to die a few times before you can really live.” And I feel as if I've died a few times these past couple of years. I've gone through a lot of dark periods, but I'm getting better. I still have days where I don't know how to be happy, but dosen't everyone?
I actually wrote this journal entry about a month ago and I've read and re read it when I start to get sad :
Sometimes you swallow and repeat because you have to . You swallow the terrible, the pain, the hatred, the anger, the sadness, the loneliness, the desolation, the unhappiness.
You take a big swallow of it-no chaser. You swallow it for the hope of a better tomorrow. You keep swiggging the Bullshit Because you know you need to keep going . Sure there may be no point today, or maybe even tomorrow, or next week, but you have to keep fucking hoping. That's one thing all the pain can't blot out- hope. You slug through it all; all for the hope.. That's the reason you don't kill yourself. Not for a happier today, but for a hopefully happier tomorrow.
The point that I'm trying to make is life is shitty, but I'm learning how to deal with it a little bit better.
I am lonely. No one hangs out with me any more and I still am in love with Chad. It's been half a year since I've last seen him. My city isnt that big, you'd think I would see him around. But no. I'm lonely lonely lonely because there's a hole in my chest that's been there for half a year. An itch that can't be scratched.
Please come back. You don't know how bad I wish I could change the past to make sure we would still be together.
I got a 31 on my ACTS and I'm ectastic about it. It's just a point off of the Harvard average.
An Ivy League College is my one way ticket out of this dead end town. I know it sounds cliche, but its true. I can't wait to leave.There's too many memories, too many people, too much has stayed the same. I'm looking for a change and I need it soon.
I need quick headlights and a forlorn figure with their thumb pointed up, just waiting to get the hell out of here.
I 'm going to get the hell out of here.
I need this more than anything else. And I think everyone else does too.
I really have forgiven you. It's been hard, but I understand and I have forgiven you.